LifeSkill Secrets

Joyfully Manage Your Life, Your Self and Your Stuff

Life Management

Life Management

Life Management is about how you manage your relationship with the Universe, Time, Money, Others, and Work. None of these do you ever really control. You have control of yourself, but not the stuff the Universe will throw at you. Your footing needs to be centered around who you are as a person and how your move through your life, not the whimsy of your circumstances. You have the same number of hours as everyone else does in a day. You, like everyone else, have a limited amount of money and like most, have more that you want you buy or have than money to buy it.  Others are funny about wanting things their own way and most of your life will be in community. And you will spend more time at work than doing just about anything, so it would be good to have a good relationship with it. MOM is here to help with your Life Management!

Cherish Yourself

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For me, the idea of loving myself has always been difficult. The idea of loving myself seemed narcissistic, self-centered and self-absorbed but the more I avoided the idea of self love, the further I grew from the reality.

While talking with a friend recently I discovered I am not the only one who feels that way. Maybe our cultural ethic of putting others first has had its way with us.

The Great Commandment

Many Christians mistakenly think that self love goes against Christian values. On the contrary, self love is pivotal to the second part of the Great Commandment (below from Mark)

“Which commandment is the most important of all?” Jesus answered, “The most important is, ‘Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’ The second is this: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ 


Matthew (Matt 22:37-39), Mark (Mark 12:30-31), and Luke (Luke 10:25-28)

However, the two lines Jesus spoke were originally from the Old Testament, the Torah (Deut 6:4-5 and Lev 19:17-18).

From a Biblical perspective, we are to love God first, and love our neighbors as ourselves, which means we first must love ourselves to have a guide as to how to treat our neighbors.

I still had trouble with the idea of self love even knowing that it was biblically alright to do so.

One day I was wishing that each of my three sons (my son by birth and two by other mothers who I also care deeply about) knew how much I cherish them. That’s when it occurred to me that cherishing someone is more tender, caring, intentional, deep and nurturing than just loving. At least as far as the way we use the words love and cherish now.

Cherish – the Word

Cherish means to protect and care for (someone) lovingly, to hold dear and to keep close in one’s mind. (https://www.google.com/search?rlz=1C1CHBH_enUS805US805&q=Dictionary#dobs=cherish)

I personally get a softer, closer, more intimate feeling when I think of cherishing. I also realized it’s the way I want to be treated and I think the way we all want to be treated. When we cherish someone, they have no doubt about how important they are to the joy in our world. They are treasured and valued. We wouldn’t hurt them, emotionally or physically. We would encourage and lift them up. We’d have their six at all times and not let others speak ill of them or do harm to them. That isn’t always the case these days where someone can say they love you, then betray you or hurt you. You would not do that to someone you cherish.

Cherishing Myself

So I thought about it and decided I could cherish myself. Of course, it would mean some changes would have to happen. I’d have to extend myself some grace. There could be no more shaming or name calling, only encouragement and rewards. I would need to pay attention to what (and who) was nurturing and what (and who) was not, and defiantly protect myself from people who do not bring joy into my life. Gentle introspection would help me find what filled me and what drained me and where my joy could run freely. I would need to build into my life time for soul enrichment and self care.

Funny thing I learned as I have started thinking in these terms. Once I started putting in the work of listening to my own small voice, I became more attuned to the small voices of others. Not the louder outer voices, but the child voices underneath. The fearful, raw, tender parts that need cherishing too. When I felt cherished and nurtured, I had it to give.

Cherish Yourself

So, here is my challenge for you. Are you ready to protect and care for yourself lovingly, to hold yourself dear and to keep yourself (and your best interest) close in your mind? Ready to extend yourself grace and encouragement? Will you treat yourself and your needs with respect and protect yourself from those who do not have your best interest at heart?

Go on, give it a try. Cherish yourself and let me know how it goes.

Getting a Dog

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Last year I decided I really wanted to invite a dog (four-legged) into my life. My son no longer lives in my house and I thought it would be really nice to have a companion. I hadn’t lived alone in thirty five years and although I am fine being in my own company, I just thought a pet would add a lot to my life.

Because I am a responsible person, I went on a quest to figure out what would be a good kind of dog for me and what resources (financial and otherwise) I would need to get a dog.  To say that slowed things down a bit is an understatement! I had no idea how much is necessary to be a responsible dog owner.

I have been allergic to cats most of my adult life, but didn’t know I could be horribly allergic to a dog until I visited my son in his new home and discovered I was terribly allergic to his girlfriend’s little peanut of a dog. I was amazed that anything that small could make me that miserable. A two hour visit took 6 hours to recover.

So even though I knew I would need at least a part poodle or other less allergenic dog, I started to realize I might have to go with a purebred or less-allergic mix. And even then, there are no guarantees. My heart had been set on a cavapoo, a King Charles Spaniel and poodle mix. But these, and most less allergenic dogs cost money. Since money was a bit tight at the time, I started saving, and planning.

The Cost of a New Dog

The shocker was that the real cost of owning a dog is not the cost to get it, but the day-to-day cost of caring for a dog.

USA Today suggested in 2016 that the first year costs for dogs varied from about $1300 for small dogs up to $1843 for larger ones. The first year costs include one time expenses as well as equipment and needs for the pet. (https://www.usatoday.com/story/money/personalfinance/2016/08/24/how-much-costs-own-dog-per-year/88449800/)

Ongoing costs, the article suggest run from$580 to $875. Larger dogs eat more and since that’s big cost, they cost at the higher end. All this assumes the dog does not have any serious health issues, which can increase the costs substantially.

Now that is not the first article I read, but it is the lowest estimate I have seen. More estimates I saw placed the first-year cost closer to $3000. Scared the daylights out of me.

Basically, if we stopped to think how much raising a child costs and that were the only consideration, none of us would have children. I recall saying to my husband before we had our son, “Do you want to have money or children?”, because there is a big tradeoff. Same goes with pets. But I am glad we chose to have my son and I still want to have a dog.

Having said that, I also want to be able to take care of my pet; to feed it, get it the health care and grooming it needs, and to have it living in a nice, safe and fun environment. That takes money which I don’t yet have.

In the Meantime

So, in the meantime, I know how much money I will need and what things I want to have in place for my pet. I am taking the time to research dog breeds and look for the right place to get my new friend. I want to be sure that they are OK with me checking out the allergy issue and will take back the pet if I am too sensitive. If I go with a breeder, I want a good one. While I get the money together, I am researching and collecting the things my pet will need.

A little planning will make it better for both of us.

What was the biggest surprise cost you had with a pet?

Skin Allergies: Why am I Itching, Red or Breaking Out?

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Through some conversations lately with friends who are suffering with skin allergies, breakouts and skin irritation, I realized this was a great subject for a post. Nothing is worse or more annoying than itching, redness and breakouts from products we use every day.

My eye doctor put something in my eye last week which I am apparently allergic to.  As I write this, I can’t see out of one eye because of the allergic reaction.

I have been a very sensitive person my whole life and as a result have had to find solutions that you may, or may not, know about. Here are a few things to know about allergies:

  1. Allergies are cumulative. I had cats for years before I developed allergies so life threatening that I had to re-home my furry friends.
  2. You can suddenly develop an allergy to something you never had a problem with in the past.
  3. If you are having an allergic reaction to one thing, it may make a reaction to a different allergen more intense.
  4. If you have skin allergies, remember your skin is the largest organ of your body and needs to be protected and cared for.
  5. You are not alone and there are products to deal with most issues.

Some solutions for Skin Allergies

Work together with your Dermatologist to find the best products for you. The following products have worked for me, but pay attention to your own body!

Laundry
The biggest area of your body is the skin from your neck to your feet and your clothes touch this area the most, as do sheets.  What you wash your clothes and bedding in can make a big difference. There are ‘Free and Clear’ laundry detergents, fabric softeners, non-chlorine bleaches that have removed the most common known skin irritants (fragrances and chemicals).  Try laundering your clothes and bedding using these products.

Allow a few weeks of the new regime to see if its working. It takes a while to get the old residue out and for your skin to heal.

When my son was little and had serious skin reactions, his pediatrician had us add white vinegar to the rinse cycle (put in with or in place of fabric softener) to help get all the soap out of the laundry. I still add vinegar to every load to this day.

Lotions and Creams

Replace Vanicream for skin lotions and creams. It is free of common allergens and is used as a base for prescription creams because of its lack of irritants.

Be sure any soap you use is free of perfumes and be wary of extra additives. Ivory and Dove are two good options. Vanicream also makes a soap.

Makeup and Hair

Look for hypo allergenic shampoos and other hair products. This may require some experimentation. Most add fragrance so look for unscented products that touch your skin.

For makeup, I have used Clinique since I was young. Even some hypo-allergenic products may cause an allergic reaction (I had issues with some eyeshadows) so be aware that its possible.

Other Culprits

If you continue to have problems, look at everything to touch your skin. There are people who are allergic to the bleach or chemicals used in diapers, toilet paper, or feminine products. Depending on the reaction, you may need to do more investigation.

Some Skin Reactions Come from Inside

Keep in mind that your skin reaction might come from something you ate, swallowed (meds) or got injected (shots). Most of these allergies come within 20 minutes of taking in the offending substance. If you have a rash and itching after taking anything into your body, let your primary care doctor know right away. They can judge how serious the situation is, how to act immediately and how to deal with it long term.

Obviously if you are pretty sure you are allergic to a food or other substance, avoid it in the future.

Hope you feel better soon!

Plan for a Great 2019!

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In line with the LifeSkill Secrets theme of, ”You can’t get there if you don’t know where there is” and the fact that it’s the beginning of a new year, I’d like to encourage you to take some time, really take some time, and evaluate where you are and where you want to be in a year. Do you want more money, more friends, more fun, more love? What exactly is it that would make your life more the life you desire? Be critical and analytical. What do you need to get from where you are to where you want to be? What things must happen to get you there? What do you need to do to start the process? Write it down. Put it on paper. Identify the steps and put them on the calendar.

Now, what is your first action step? Scared? Good. That means it’s a big enough goal. Picture the goal. Imagine how good its gonna feel to reach it. Focusing on how much better your life will be and how great you will feel about yourself once you do it will help you overcome the fear. Remember that the easiest way NOT to get what you want is to let the ease of doing the same old thing win.

Go for it. Believe in yourself. Make your life better! You deserve it. And have a Happy Whole Year!

Basics of Giving Good Gifts

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We all know someone who is truly excellent at giving good gifts. The art of doing it is a little more challenging, but really makes sense. Like most things in life, all we have to do is analyse why the good gift givers gifts are good gifts and reverse engineer the process. What were the best gifts you ever got and why were they so great?

Know the Dates for Giving Gifts

Gifts on the right date are better!

I know that planning ahead is not easy for many of us, but let’s face it: We know that in December there are gift-giving holidays (OK, Chanukkah can come as early as November 27th), Mother’s Day is in May and Father’s Day is in June. There really is no reason for these to be a surprise. Birthdays and Anniversaries are different for everyone so require a bit more thought.

It is always good to use a scheduling program or app. Put them on your calendar with a yearly recurrence (monthly if you are in a serious new relationship in which the other person expects you to remember monthly) and a reminder two weeks or more (6 weeks is good for the December holidays) out to remind (or warn) yourself that it is coming.

Plan Ahead for Good Gifts

People can often tell when a gift was purchased at the last minute.

Once you have the date on the calendar, you can use the entry to list gift ideas as they come. You may know people who have all their December gifts ready in November. They plan ahead by putting it on the calendar.

If you plan ahead, you can get the benefit of sales (Black Friday, Cyber Monday), and allow enough time for shipping.

For the national holidays, create a list of those for whom you want to get gifts, and put ideas of good gifts for each one.

Consider the Cost

Only gold diggers want you to spend money you can’t afford for a gift.

In the last post, I spoke about the financial aspect of gift giving so I wont go into that in length here. The long and short of it is, don’t buy gifts that you cant afford. That is not a gift to you or the receiver of the gift.

On your gift list for multi person holidays, evaluate the list in terms of your budget for the holiday. Adjust the people and the gifts as need to stay within your budget. If you have a big heart, it may cost you more than you can afford. Be practical using the guidelines in the previous post.

In addition, weight where you are in the relationship when buying gifts within a relationship. For example, it doesn’t make sense to buy an expensive gift for someone you just started dating. You are setting the bar too high. That expense will then become the expected minimum for future gifts. If the receiver spends a lot less on you, your extravagance may make them feel uncomfortable or pressured.

By the way, do not discuss the cost of the gift.

Pay Attention to the Recipient’s Desires

Good gifts are things we want, even if we didn’t know it until we got the gift.

Listen. Listen Listen. If you are planning ahead by being aware of an upcoming gifting opportunity, it allows you to pay attention to clues and cues about the receiver’s like and desires. This will give you ideas about what might be appropriate. Why buy a hat for someone who really hates hats? Gloves would be great if they mention they only have one pair or don’t have dress gloves and you know they will need them for an upcoming dinner.

Also pay attention to how the receiver feels about gifts. Maybe they prefer one large over several small. Maybe they prefer lots of beautifully wrapped small gifts.

Get Creative

We all like gifts that look like the giver thought about us specifically when getting the gift.

Think about the interests of the person and buy something related to things they are currently interested in. An example: I received a children’s book in French when I took French in high school. I loved it.

Also, you don’t have to spend lots to mean a lot. Write a love note and put it in a pretty jar, or buy something fun and attach a funny note. Create something by hand or give a service (baking, babysitting, lawn mowing, cleaning the garage).

Remember Presentation

Good gifts look nice.

Wrap the gift. You can find many ways to do this on the cheap, or spend a bit extra and make it look really lovely. IF you are all thumbs, there are services that wrap gifts, or have the retailer do it. Don’t just stick it in a brown bag and hand it to them. Half the fun in a gift is unwrapping and let’s be honest: Most of us love to tear off wrapping paper.

Remember the Forgotten

The unexpected gift is the best.

When getting ready for the national holidays, remember those who might fall through the cracks. I mean the elderly, singles without a family support network, veterans and the ill. Sending a sweet note and a few cookies or small, beautifully wrapped gift can mean more than words can ever say.