Life Management

Life Management is about how you manage your relationship with the Universe, Time, Money, Others, and Work. None of these do you ever really control. You have control of yourself, but not the stuff the Universe will throw at you. Your footing needs to be centered around who you are as a person and how your move through your life, not the whimsy of your circumstances. You have the same number of hours as everyone else does in a day. You, like everyone else, have a limited amount of money and like most, have more that you want you buy or have than money to buy it. Others are funny about wanting things their own way and most of your life will be in community. And you will spend more time at work than doing just about anything, so it would be good to have a good relationship with it. MOM is here to help with your Life Management!

Vision is Where You Start

January 2, 2018 Leave a Comment
All content copyright LifeSkill Secrets

If you start with a clear vision of what you want your life (or your appearance or your home) to look like, you will know what doesn’t fit with your vision and what does.

“How can you get there if you don’t know where there is?”

If I really wanted to get to Denver, but just started driving, you’d think me pretty silly for complaining if I ended up in Nashville. I need to know where I am going to be sure I get there, then take steps to figure out how.

Know where you are now

Whether or not you think this way, you are the center of your universe. For your life to work well, you need to take care of yourself. Your family, your friends, and others in general are not as important in determining the way your life will turn out and the path it will take as you are. Even God won’t give you what you need if you don’t ask.

So, you are responsible to take care of yourself. I know it sometimes seems scary, but actually it’s pretty liberating. The only challenge is knowing how to take care of yourself, and that is the purpose of this website.

It’s important to know where you are starting. Look at the different areas of your life and evaluate how you are doing, where you need it to improve and where you are right on the road to where you want to be.

The usual areas to look at are:

Physical
Relational
Vocational
Creative
Financial
Spiritual/ Emotional

Have a vision for your life: Start with the end in mind

Take time to know what it is you want to accomplish in each of these areas. It is very important to have a road map for where you want to be at the end of the year, in 5 years, in 20. This is a journey.

Pick the area or areas that are most important, or that the others are dependent on. When I first did this, everything depended on making more money. Pretty clear where I needed to start. Another place you may want to start is in an area that would be easy to accomplish. Starting there will give you self confidence and a belief in moving forward.

Don’t make yourself crazy by trying to do everything all at once. Focus big-time in one or two areas, or start making very small changes in more areas.

Put it on the calendar

A dream without a deadline is just a wish. A goal is just a dream with a deadline.

Decide on a date by which you want to have each dream accomplished and put it on the calendar.

Break down the steps necessary to accomplish your dream, determine how long it will take to do each step and then give each of them a date on the calendar. Simple, but not easy.

At the beginning, its best to practice by focusing on one or two dreams at a time.

Change is a Habit

It takes a month of daily change to break a habit, so be tough with yourself daily for at least a month. Stick with it. Remind yourself of your vision and what you want to accomplish.

Keep your vision in front of you

One of the best techniques I have learned to stay focused is based on the main one in the book, “Think and Grow Rich” by Napoleon Hill.

Envision what you want- fully envision it. What would your life look like, smell like, taste like, and how would you emotionally feel if your vision were a reality?

Daily bring that vision as fully to mind as possible and recite:

By (this date)
I will have (or be)
I believe (what you want to achieve or receive) will happen (or come to me).
My faith is so strong that I can see or feel myself doing (what would you be doing or feeling if this vision were true).
This will come into my life in exchange for (nothing is free- what are you going to give or exchange to have this become a reality).
I am waiting for a plan to come to me and I will act on it as soon as I receive it.

Reward Yourself

We all work better with rewards, so spend some time thinking of rewards to give yourself- not just when you complete your goal (because that sort of is its own reward), but at milestones along the way to keep you going.

Give Yourself Grace

If we were perfect, none of us would need any help at all. We are not starting perfect, we will not end perfect and we certainly wont be perfect as we strive to improve. You are working to improve your life so give yourself high-fives for that!

Be as loving to yourself as you would want Mom to be if you didn’t do as well as you wanted. Encourage yourself, focus on what is going right and stay positive. Give yourself grace, patience and understanding and determine to start again tomorrow.

Sign up to get the LifeSkill Secrets newsletter to keep the encouragement and new ideas coming to care for yourself and become a joyfully independent adult.

Holidays with Family

December 12, 2017 Leave a Comment
All content copyright LifeSkill Secrets

Holidays with family can be very stressful. Heck, holidays without family can be very stressful. When you add family expectations and triggers, they can become downright dread-inducing. But they don’t need to be. Below are the main things that cause friction and ways to ease them. It may not be perfect, but you can make your holidays, and those of your family and friends a lot more enjoyable by becoming aware of the following three points.

Family Holidays are full of Expectations

Keep in mind that while you have expectations of others, they have expectations of you too. Much of what we experience in life is based on what we expect. If we expect fighting, slights and anger, that is what we will get. If we expect to sail through the holidays by not creating or feeling insults, we are much more likely to enjoy them.

First, what are your expectations of what others are going to do or say to make the event stressful?

What happens or what people say will be said, but how you react to it is your choice. You can choose in advance that you will not let it get to you this time. Let it go.

If there is a repeated behavior that causes strife every holiday, try to understand what causes the behavior and cut it off at the pass. My Mom always wanted everything to be perfect, and she would get over tired and short tempered. She wanted it nice because she loved us, but her temper kept us afraid to move, so instead of loving the holidays and wanting to be there, we wanted to be anywhere else.

You know that Aunt Fran always calls you her little nephew or Uncle Stan remarks on the fact that you didn’t get into the college you wanted. So why do you react to it? You don’t need to. Often, insulting behavior or words are repeated because they know it will get a reaction out of you. Depriving others of the reaction removes the reward, and eventually the behavior will go away. If its another member of your immediate family that is insulted, try to help them find ways not to react to it. Also, never take sides in name calling or insults, even if you agree.

Second, determine what you do to contribute to the stress.

When enjoying holidays with family, remember you too are part of the family. Others may have stress about things YOU do. I know, its hard to believe you might be part of the problem. When I was younger and an unmarried career woman, I often neglected my family on holidays or felt it was my right to tell my sister how to raise her kids.

Are you the one that’s always late, without gifts, reminding others of their past embarrassments or drinking too much? Be real with yourself and think about what you might be doing that could be adding stress, or even dread, for others. What can you do to make the holidays better for everyone?

Also, be realistic with yourself about what your expectations are for the holidays. I always stress the importance of knowing what you hope for so you have a chance of getting most or all of it. If you want a holiday dinner without strife but your Mom always stresses making the meal, maybe you can make all or part of it.

Triggers

Years ago I learned that when changing behaviors, change them first with strangers, then acquaintances, then friends and family last. That is because it is hardest to change behavior around family. Families know where your buttons are because they put them there.

What are the triggers in holidays with family that set you off or cause you stress or dread?

Sometimes, once you know what they are you can talk to the person causing the stress before the holiday to let them know the issue and ask what you could do to change things up.

You can’t control others so sometimes you just need to take the duck approach, as in letting the “stuff” run off of you like water off a duck.

Try Being a Duck:

Take some deep breaths and imagine the stress factor happening. Now imagine that you are surrounded by a dome of protection. No matter what is said or done, it will hit the force field of your dome and run off. You are immune to being upset, hurt or pulled in. Breathe deeply and slowly. You can hear what is being said, but you don’t need to emotionally react to it in any way. This way, you can respond in an emotionally neutral way if necessary.

Practice this several times before the holidays so you can do it easily when you need to during the holidays. This also works well when shopping or in other situations where you are feeling stress.

Holidays with Family are about Love

Let’s face it. The real reason we get together at the holidays is to be with people we are hopefully closest to. Now, I am not a Pollyanna enough to believe that is always the reality. But if you need to be with these people for the holidays, make the best of it and make the time as good as it can be.

The holidays with family are about love, so instead of expecting to receive, be the giver of love grace, understanding and peace. If nothing else, it will confuse the daylights out of everyone.

After all, love is not about you and the holidays are supposed to be about loving others. Be as much of the solution as possible and be a duck about the conflict you cant avoid.

Have a wonderful holiday season!

Your Morning Routine: Prep for Success

December 5, 2017 Leave a Comment
All content copyright LifeSkill Secrets

Many times I have suggested that its best to start with the end in mind. That is true about your morning routine too. Whether or not you are a morning person, there is usually a limited amount of time to get certain things done in the morning, and planning ahead will make that much easier!

Know What Needs to Be Done

Start by making a realistic evaluation of what you need to do each morning and how long each thing takes. Don’t guess. Even the most time savvy person can delude themselves (or just plain be wrong) about how long things take to do in the morning. My son would say it he’d be ready in 15 minutes when I knew from experience it always took him 45. Imagine my surprise when he actually got it down to 15.

I suggest writing a list of the things you do every morning and tracking the time for a week or two. Include travel time to your job or first appointment. It may be fun to guess how long you THINK things will take then see if you are right. Also guess how long you think the total will take and see how long it all really takes. The difference between these two numbers is Why people are late. Seldom do we consciously decide to be late, but things take longer than we think they will. If we learn to guestimate better and add time for the unexpected, then being on time will be more likely.

If something took much longer on a day, write down the reason. The same applies to the additional things you may not do every day, but that came up (detours, waiting for a train on the way to work, couldn’t find something, etc). How long did each of those things take? This will give you a sense not only of how long the usual things take in your morning routine, but how long you need to allow for the unexpected things. It will also help you figure out what delays you can avoid by taking care of them ahead of time.

If you don’t do the same things everyday so that your total time is different, can you move some things to other days so the total time is more even? (This will help you develop a set time to get up, which helps you sleep better and plan your morning more wisely). It will help if the time for your morning routine is a bout the same from day to day.

Create a Plan

Now that you know how long things really take to get done, create a time plan for yourself.
Start with the time you need to be at work, subtract the time it actually took to get there. Allow time for the train or detours or unexpected delay (which just may be that coffee stop you want to make)> Subtract another 5-10 minutes and that is the time you need to leave the house.

Now go backwards subtracting for all the things in your morning routine. If your usual time is much longer than the sum of each task, you are either fooling around or not waking up well. You need to decide which so you can remedy it (stop fooling around) or allow for it (give yourself the extra time). Now you know what time you need to get up. If you know you simply NEVER get up without 1-2 snoozes, set the time that much earlier.

Subtract from your wake up time the amount of sleep you are going to get (like 8 hours) and you know what time you need to be in bed ready to sleep. Allow at least 1/2 hour without electronics to unwind before sleep.

Your Morning Routine Starts the Night Before

The success of your morning routine starts the night before.

Check the weather for the next day.

We live in Chicago and it can be 60 degrees and rainy one day and 90 and sunny the next. Don’t assume tomorrow will be like today (unless you actually live somewhere that varies little from day to day).

Get Your Clothes and Accessories Ready

Clothes and Shoes

Know what you’ll wear and be sure its clean, pressed (if needed) and available- preferably laid out if possible. Be sure you know which socks, stockings and shoes you will wear and have them available.

Accessories

Lay out ties, scarves, hats, gloves and any other accessories you will need. Lay out your jewelry, including watches, and check that its clean, works and goes with what you are wearing.

Briefcase, Portfolio, Purses and Totes

Be sure you know which briefcase, portfolio, purse and/or tote you are taking and move everything you will need into it the night before. If you need notes or papers for meeting the next day, print or organize them and have them ready to go.

Prepare What You Can the Night Before

Here are some of the easiest things to take care of the night before- you know, the things that can make you carzy if something goes wrong:

Fill the coffeemaker or tea kettle and set to start automatically if it has a programming option.
Make your lunch (or lunches if you make it for others)
Shower – some people shower in the evening then simply style their hair in the morning. I don’t recommend this if you are sleeping with someone else- you know what I mean.
Lay out what you can for breakfast, or make it the night before if possible (for example, you can make oatmeal and nuke it in the morning).
If you are a slow waker, write a list for yourself of what you need to do, so you don’t have to think about it. Just follow the list.

Try Your New Plan, Change it, Make it a Habit

Make your morning routine easy on yourself. Get a clock for the bathroom, have one in the kitchen and one in your bedroom. Be sure they all have the same time. Same time on your watch too, if you wear one. I keep all mine a couple of minutes fast, just in case.

If you find you consistently have not enough time or time left over, make changes to your plan. It’s your plan. Make it work for you.

Good Morning!

Why Gratitude?

November 21, 2017 Leave a Comment
All content copyright LifeSkill Secrets

Joy in life comes not from what you have, what happens to you or how you are treated. It comes from appreciating what you have- having gratitude for it. Would you want to give a gift to a child who never likes what you give them? After a while, you would stop trying to delight them, then you would not care if the gift was on time, or wrapped, or even nice. You might want to give them something nasty just out of spite. Expecting the universe, or God, to give you good gifts if you are not grateful for the gifts you have, is behaving like the ungrateful child.

Gratitude is the Opposite of Entitlement

Few of us would want to think of ourselves as behaving entitled (as if the universe owes us), but lack of gratitude comes from a sense of entitlement. Frankly, no one deserves anything. Everything we get is a gift. Those of us who are lucky enough to be born in America need to realize that we didn’t engineer the circumstances of our birth. Whether born wealthy or not, we are lucky just to be born here. Think how many people sacrifice everything just to come to this country.

Why are the Poorest Often the Most Joy Filled?

It has been my observation over the years that one often finds the greatest joy in the poorest parts of the world. In those places, the people know that all good things are gifts and take joy in them. They appreciate things we so easily take for granted like clean water, food, a roof over our heads where we can sleep knowing we wont be attacked in the night. We can go to school or work and usually be safe getting there and getting home. We have choices. When was the last time you were grateful for the ability to make a bad choice, rather than kicking yourself that you chose wrong?

You Get What You Focus On

Have you ever noticed how a new word pops up everywhere after you learn it? I went through a training a few years ago that asked me to look for Sunset Beige cars. I didn’t even know what Sunset Beige was. Had to look it up on the internet. The instructor was correct- suddenly Sunset Beige cars were everywhere. Surprisingly, my son and I still laugh together when we see one-after 4 years!

If you focus on the blessings, love and joy in your life, you will get more blessings, love and joy. Conversely focusing on lack, slights and sorrow will bring you more of those. I sat down once to write a list of the things for which I was thankful, thinking I might come up with a few, and several pages full of columns of people and blessings later, I realized how much I really did have to be thankful for.

There is Always a Reason to Have Gratitude

If you start with gratitude for any day you are alive, then you have something to be grateful for every day.

Regardless of what happens to us in life, we can choose what we focus on. We can focus on the kick in the pants, or consider it a great excuse to get new pants. I don’t want to sound like its always easy, but it is doable.

We love movies and books about people who rise above horrible circumstances to live a full life. Its inspiring not because it’s easy, but because they did it. None of us wants to watch a movie about someone who gives in to depression, alcohol or drugs. Yet for all of us, we are dealing with the option to give in or rise above all the time. It’s just less obvious. Most survivors say they started by focusing on what they did have, rather than their loss. Focus on what’s in the glass, not what isn’t.

Creating a Habit of Gratitude

I’ll be honest. I struggled with the semantics of the word gratitude. In the beginning of my quest to be more grateful, I found it easier to think in terms of what I appreciated. I appreciated a beautiful sunset. I could appreciate a pain-free day. Once I had eased in to the idea of appreciating things, it was easy to become grateful for those same things.

Start the day with 3 things about the day for which you know you are or will be grateful.

It could be that you are able to be educated, or have a job or chose what you want to do with your life. Perhaps you are grateful for the opportunity to make a presentation or meet with a new potential client, or work with someone you admire. Maybe it’s just that you can try out new ways to get along with a difficult coworker or do a favor for someone who needs it. What are you looking forward to that is happening today? You are probably grateful for something about it if you are looking forward to it. You can be grateful that you are thinking about gratitude in a new way.

Look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself 3 things for which you are grateful today.

End the day with 3 things about the day for which you are grateful.

Sometimes we are so focused on getting a certain thing that we don’t see the gifts we DO get. However, if we are focused on the gifts we receive, we will see them all. What happened today that surprised you? What was better than expected? See any Sunset Beige cars?

So what were the gifts you received today?

Make a habit o starting and ending your day in gratitude. If you know you will have to have 3 by the end of the day, you will be looking for things about which to feel grateful. Pretty soon you will find gratitude everywhere and throughout your day. Like Sunset Beige cars.

Today, right now, I am grateful for you reading this. Go out and find and create joy!

Turkey for the Turkey Dinner

November 21, 2017 Leave a Comment
All content copyright LifeSkill Secrets

The thought of making a turkey dinner is the fodder of screenwriters and the wellspring of dread in novice cooks. But the reality is that the poor thing has a bad agent. Can it be a disaster? Sure. Can you make yourself and other ill? Of course. Is it hard? No, not if you know what you are doing. Actually, a turkey dinner is one of the easiest, most economical meals to make (especially if you don’t add 23 side dishes). At the heart of it is the turkey. Follow these basic guidelines and you will find it to be a go-to meal, and not just for the holidays. And you can impress the daylights out of your relatives.

Plan Ahead

One of the big concerns with turkey is its safety. You may want to review the post on poultry safety. Here are the things to keep in mind:

Thaw the turkey before cooking it
Be sure its completely cooked before serving
Do not touch the uncooked turkey and then anything else until you wash your hands with soap and water. Do NOT wipe your hands on a dish towel until they are washed.
If the uncooked or partially cooked turkey (or any of its parts or juices) have contact with the counter, dishes, or anything else, be sure to wash it with hot soapy water before anything else (including you) touches it.

Buying the Turkey

First you need to buy a bird. Once you master the whole thing of cooking a turkey dinner, you can determine whether you prefer a Tom (a male) or Hen (female), or if you want to use fresh. All of these guidelines apply regardless (except you don’t need to thaw a fresh turkey, but know that you usually have to preorder one, so it still takes planning).

For a smaller bird serving 4 to 8 people, allow about 2 pounds per pound. If you are cooking a larger bird with a higher meat to bone ratio (over 15 or 16 pounds) allow about 1 1/2 pounds per person. (That’s not 1 1/2 pounds of meat, that’s 1.5 pounds of the whole bird).

You can usually get a great deal on turkey right before the winter or spring holidays.

Thawing the Turkey

Thawing the turkey correctly is CRUCIAL! Put the turkey on a platter in case the covering leaks and place in the fridge still in its wrapping. Allow enough time to thaw the turkey in the refrigerator. Follow these government food safety guidelines: about 3 days in the fridge for the first 12 pounds, then add a day for each additional 4 pounds. There should be no hard areas or ice crystals.

If the turkey is not completely thawed inside and out and is not then cooked to the correct temperature, you risk giving your guests Salmonella poisoning. My son and I once got this when we were guests for Thanksgiving. After we’d eaten dinner they told the ‘funny story’ of the unthawed bird. It wasn’t so funny the next 4 days as we were sicker than I have ever been in my life.

Since you have a couple of days to safely cook the turkey after its thawed using the refrigerator method, its better to allow a bit more time than you think you need to thaw.

What if the turkey isn’t thawed?
The government food safety site has instructions for thawing by cold water (allow about 30 minutes per pound, so this may still take too long) or in the microwave (allow about 6 minutes per pound -IF you can get the turkey in the microwave).If microwave thawing, you can cut the bird lengthwise and thaw each half.

All of these times assume you are starting from totally frozen so make allowances if the turkey is only partly frozen. Since its a good idea to rinse the turkey before cooking anyway, this will help if there are still some ice crystals inside the bird.

Cooking the Turkey

Prepping the Turkey

NOTE: You CAN cook a turkey from frozen, but it takes a LONG time to get it to a safely cooked temperature of 165°F, so it may not be a solution to get your turkey dinner on time. Plus it will be a real fun time trying to get the neck, giblets and gravy packet (if any) out of the frozen bird.

What you need:

Enough time to thaw, prepare, roast, rest, and carve your turkey before your turkey dinner time.
A flat or covered roasting pan that will hold your bird
A rack to place the turkey on (optional)
A turkey lifter to remove the turkey from the pan (some turkeys provide a string version of this). There are many kinds: turkey forks, chain lifter, etc. If you dont have a lifter, you could lay several lengths of untreated uncolored clean twine across the width of the pan.) Optional but you’ll wish you had it. )
PAM spray or cooking oil
A turkey baster
An instant read meat thermometer

What to do:

Preheat the oven to 325°F (allow about a half hour or so for this so do it before you prep the bird).
Prepare ahead to remove the turkey from the pan. This can save a lot of aggravation later. Spray the pan, the rack and any turkey lifter with Pam. Put the rack, if using one, into the pan. Put the lifter into the pan.
Remove the turkey from the wrapper
Remove the neck and bag of giblets from the body cavities, as well as gravy packet if provided.
If desired, put the giblets and neck into a pan of water and cook. The giblets can be eaten or chopped (after removing the neck) and put in the gravy , or they can be discarded).
If there is a gravy packet, place in the fridge until ready to prepare according to the package directions. Remember to wash hands after touching the bag cause its been in the uncooked bird.
Rinse the turkey inside and out with cold water. I recommend having a clean helper (to move the pan, hand you paper towels, turn on water and give you soap as needed), especially if it a large, hard-to-maneuver bird.
Pat the bird dry with paper towels.
Put the prepared turkey into the pan breast side up. Spread lightly with PAM, cooking oil or butter and season with pepper if desired. (You can add other spices too if you want, but here I want to keep it simple).
If desired, you can stick a cut onion and/or apple in the cavity.
Tuck the wings under and the neck skin under.

Roasting

Place the turkey into preheated oven. Allow about 20 minutes per pound- more if its stuffed, less if using a covered enamel roasting pan. This is just a time guideline.

The magic number for a turkey to be ready for turkey dinner is 165°F:

Thickest part of thigh is (not touching a bone) 165°F or higher
Thickest part of breast (not touching a bone) 165°F
Stuffing if there is any – you guessed it 165°F

Covering /Uncovering

If you use a covered enamel roasting pan (and I like how moist this makes the turkey), the turkey will cook in much less time than open roasting. Remove the cover at least 1/2 hour before the end of cooking time.

If you open roast, at about the 2/3 mark in the cooking time, tent aluminum foil over the breast so it doesn’t brown too much.

Basting
Once the bird starts producing juices in the pan, use a turkey baster to baste the turkey every half hour up until an hour before the end of roasting time.

Carving and Serving

Remove any dressing/stuffing from the bird immediately and put in a separate dish.
Allow the turkey to rest 15-20 minutes before carving to allow the juices to redistribute and settle (you can make the gravy with the pan juices while it is resting)
Refrigerate leftovers withing an hour. Don’t let it just sit on the counter.
Eat or freeze within 3 to 4 days. Freeze what you wont eat as soon as you know there will be extra.

Have a wonderful turkey dinner!

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