You and Others

We all know someone who is truly excellent at giving good gifts. The art of doing it is a little more challenging, but really makes sense. Like most things in life, all we have to do is analyse why the good gift givers gifts are good gifts and reverse engineer the process. What were the best gifts you ever got and why were they so great?

Know the Dates for Giving Gifts

Gifts on the right date are better!

I know that planning ahead is not easy for many of us, but let’s face it: We know that in December there are gift-giving holidays (OK, Chanukkah can come as early as November 27th), Mother’s Day is in May and Father’s Day is in June. There really is no reason for these to be a surprise. Birthdays and Anniversaries are different for everyone so require a bit more thought.

It is always good to use a scheduling program or app. Put them on your calendar with a yearly recurrence (monthly if you are in a serious new relationship in which the other person expects you to remember monthly) and a reminder two weeks or more (6 weeks is good for the December holidays) out to remind (or warn) yourself that it is coming.

Plan Ahead for Good Gifts

People can often tell when a gift was purchased at the last minute.

Once you have the date on the calendar, you can use the entry to list gift ideas as they come. You may know people who have all their December gifts ready in November. They plan ahead by putting it on the calendar.

If you plan ahead, you can get the benefit of sales (Black Friday, Cyber Monday), and allow enough time for shipping.

For the national holidays, create a list of those for whom you want to get gifts, and put ideas of good gifts for each one.

Consider the Cost

Only gold diggers want you to spend money you can’t afford for a gift.

In the last post, I spoke about the financial aspect of gift giving so I wont go into that in length here. The long and short of it is, don’t buy gifts that you cant afford. That is not a gift to you or the receiver of the gift.

On your gift list for multi person holidays, evaluate the list in terms of your budget for the holiday. Adjust the people and the gifts as need to stay within your budget. If you have a big heart, it may cost you more than you can afford. Be practical using the guidelines in the previous post.

In addition, weight where you are in the relationship when buying gifts within a relationship. For example, it doesn’t make sense to buy an expensive gift for someone you just started dating. You are setting the bar too high. That expense will then become the expected minimum for future gifts. If the receiver spends a lot less on you, your extravagance may make them feel uncomfortable or pressured.

By the way, do not discuss the cost of the gift.

Pay Attention to the Recipient’s Desires

Good gifts are things we want, even if we didn’t know it until we got the gift.

Listen. Listen Listen. If you are planning ahead by being aware of an upcoming gifting opportunity, it allows you to pay attention to clues and cues about the receiver’s like and desires. This will give you ideas about what might be appropriate. Why buy a hat for someone who really hates hats? Gloves would be great if they mention they only have one pair or don’t have dress gloves and you know they will need them for an upcoming dinner.

Also pay attention to how the receiver feels about gifts. Maybe they prefer one large over several small. Maybe they prefer lots of beautifully wrapped small gifts.

Get Creative

We all like gifts that look like the giver thought about us specifically when getting the gift.

Think about the interests of the person and buy something related to things they are currently interested in. An example: I received a children’s book in French when I took French in high school. I loved it.

Also, you don’t have to spend lots to mean a lot. Write a love note and put it in a pretty jar, or buy something fun and attach a funny note. Create something by hand or give a service (baking, babysitting, lawn mowing, cleaning the garage).

Remember Presentation

Good gifts look nice.

Wrap the gift. You can find many ways to do this on the cheap, or spend a bit extra and make it look really lovely. IF you are all thumbs, there are services that wrap gifts, or have the retailer do it. Don’t just stick it in a brown bag and hand it to them. Half the fun in a gift is unwrapping and let’s be honest: Most of us love to tear off wrapping paper.

Remember the Forgotten

The unexpected gift is the best.

When getting ready for the national holidays, remember those who might fall through the cracks. I mean the elderly, singles without a family support network, veterans and the ill. Sending a sweet note and a few cookies or small, beautifully wrapped gift can mean more than words can ever say.

Holidays with family can be very stressful. Heck, holidays without family can be very stressful. When you add family expectations and triggers, they can become downright dread-inducing. But they don’t need to be. Below are the main things that cause friction and ways to ease them. It may not be perfect, but you can make your holidays, and those of your family and friends a lot more enjoyable by becoming aware of the following three points.

Family Holidays are full of Expectations

Keep in mind that while you have expectations of others, they have expectations of you too. Much of what we experience in life is based on what we expect. If we expect fighting, slights and anger, that is what we will get. If we expect to sail through the holidays by not creating or feeling insults, we are much more likely to enjoy them.

First, what are your expectations of what others are going to do or say to make the event stressful?

What happens or what people say will be said, but how you react to it is your choice. You can choose in advance that you will not let it get to you this time. Let it go.

If there is a repeated behavior that causes strife every holiday, try to understand what causes the behavior and cut it off at the pass. My Mom always wanted everything to be perfect, and she would get over tired and short tempered.  She wanted it nice because she loved us, but her temper kept us afraid to move, so instead of loving the holidays and wanting to be there, we wanted to be anywhere else.

You know that Aunt Fran always calls you her little nephew or Uncle Stan remarks on the fact that you didn’t get into the college you wanted. So why do you react to it? You don’t need to. Often, insulting behavior or words are repeated because they know it will get a reaction out of you. Depriving others of the reaction removes the reward, and eventually the behavior will go away. If its another member of your immediate family that is insulted, try to help them find ways not to react to it. Also, never take sides in name calling or insults, even if you agree.

Second, determine what you do to contribute to the stress.

When enjoying holidays with family, remember you too are part of the family. Others may have stress about things YOU do. I know, its hard to believe you might be part of the problem. When I was younger and an unmarried career woman, I often neglected my family on holidays or felt it was my right to tell my sister how to raise her kids.

Are you the one that’s always late, without gifts, reminding others of their past embarrassments or drinking too much? Be real with yourself and think about what you might be doing that could be adding stress, or even dread, for others. What can you do to make the holidays better for everyone?

Also, be realistic with yourself about what your expectations are for the holidays. I always stress the importance of knowing what you hope for so you have a chance of getting most or all of it. If you want a holiday dinner without strife but your Mom always stresses making the meal, maybe you can make all or part of it.

Triggers

Years ago I learned that when changing behaviors, change them first with strangers, then acquaintances, then friends and family last. That is because it is hardest to change behavior around family. Families know where your buttons are because they put them there.

What are the triggers in holidays with family that set you off or cause you stress or dread?

Sometimes, once you know what they are you can talk to the person causing the stress before the holiday to let them know the issue and ask what you could do to change things up.

You can’t control others so sometimes you just need to take the duck approach, as in letting the “stuff” run off of you like water off a duck.

Holidays with Family are about Love

Let’s face it. The real reason we get together at the holidays is to be with people we are hopefully closest to. Now, I am not a Pollyanna enough to believe that is always the reality. But if you need to be with these people for the holidays, make the best of it and make the time as good as it can be.

The holidays with family are about love, so instead of expecting to receive, be the giver of love grace, understanding and peace. If nothing else, it will confuse the daylights out of everyone.

After all, love is not about you and the holidays are supposed to be about loving others. Be as much of the solution as possible and be a duck about the conflict you cant avoid.

Have a wonderful holiday season!