Holidays with family can be very stressful. Heck, holidays without family can be very stressful. When you add family expectations and triggers, they can become downright dread-inducing. But they don’t need to be. Below are the main things that cause friction and ways to ease them. It may not be perfect, but you can make your holidays, and those of your family and friends a lot more enjoyable by becoming aware of the following three points.
Family Holidays are full of Expectations
Keep in mind that while you have expectations of others, they have expectations of you too. Much of what we experience in life is based on what we expect. If we expect fighting, slights and anger, that is what we will get. If we expect to sail through the holidays by not creating or feeling insults, we are much more likely to enjoy them.
First, what are your expectations of what others are going to do or say to make the event stressful?
What happens or what people say will be said, but how you react to it is your choice. You can choose in advance that you will not let it get to you this time. Let it go.
If there is a repeated behavior that causes strife every holiday, try to understand what causes the behavior and cut it off at the pass. My Mom always wanted everything to be perfect, and she would get over tired and short tempered. She wanted it nice because she loved us, but her temper kept us afraid to move, so instead of loving the holidays and wanting to be there, we wanted to be anywhere else.
You know that Aunt Fran always calls you her little nephew or Uncle Stan remarks on the fact that you didn’t get into the college you wanted. So why do you react to it? You don’t need to. Often, insulting behavior or words are repeated because they know it will get a reaction out of you. Depriving others of the reaction removes the reward, and eventually the behavior will go away. If its another member of your immediate family that is insulted, try to help them find ways not to react to it. Also, never take sides in name calling or insults, even if you agree.
Second, determine what you do to contribute to the stress.
When enjoying holidays with family, remember you too are part of the family. Others may have stress about things YOU do. I know, its hard to believe you might be part of the problem. When I was younger and an unmarried career woman, I often neglected my family on holidays or felt it was my right to tell my sister how to raise her kids.
Are you the one that’s always late, without gifts, reminding others of their past embarrassments or drinking too much? Be real with yourself and think about what you might be doing that could be adding stress, or even dread, for others. What can you do to make the holidays better for everyone?
Also, be realistic with yourself about what your expectations are for the holidays. I always stress the importance of knowing what you hope for so you have a chance of getting most or all of it. If you want a holiday dinner without strife but your Mom always stresses making the meal, maybe you can make all or part of it.
Triggers
Years ago I learned that when changing behaviors, change them first with strangers, then acquaintances, then friends and family last. That is because it is hardest to change behavior around family. Families know where your buttons are because they put them there.
What are the triggers in holidays with family that set you off or cause you stress or dread?
Sometimes, once you know what they are you can talk to the person causing the stress before the holiday to let them know the issue and ask what you could do to change things up.
You can’t control others so sometimes you just need to take the duck approach, as in letting the “stuff” run off of you like water off a duck.
Try Being a Duck:
Take some deep breaths and imagine the stress factor happening. Now imagine that you are surrounded by a dome of protection. No matter what is said or done, it will hit the force field of your dome and run off. You are immune to being upset, hurt or pulled in. Breathe deeply and slowly. You can hear what is being said, but you don’t need to emotionally react to it in any way. This way, you can respond in an emotionally neutral way if necessary.
Practice this several times before the holidays so you can do it easily when you need to during the holidays. This also works well when shopping or in other situations where you are feeling stress.
Holidays with Family are about Love
Let’s face it. The real reason we get together at the holidays is to be with people we are hopefully closest to. Now, I am not a Pollyanna enough to believe that is always the reality. But if you need to be with these people for the holidays, make the best of it and make the time as good as it can be.
The holidays with family are about love, so instead of expecting to receive, be the giver of love grace, understanding and peace. If nothing else, it will confuse the daylights out of everyone.
After all, love is not about you and the holidays are supposed to be about loving others. Be as much of the solution as possible and be a duck about the conflict you cant avoid.
Have a wonderful holiday season!
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